so i'm sitting here at work in a rather deep mood, with nothing creative to do with it.  that always figures.  so i shall xanga.

i was thinking about the time in my life (sophomore/junior year of high school) when i was just so... dissatisfied.  i was so hard on myself, so judgemental.  i felt completely useless when it came to anything creative or artistic or thoughtful.  i longed to feel like i actually had some intellectual worth, and no one could help me but myself.

actually, i doubt that even i could have helped myself.  i was just so unhappy in highschool, doing the same routine day in and day out.  i hated everything about highschool - it was so pointless for me.  the only two things i gained were: the love of my life, and singing.  it's amazing however, that two of the things i treasure and value most, was a result of three years in that shithole.

i was also thinking about how much i have changed in every aspect over the past five years or so.  i think about when lucy and i were super close and i acted like such a slut.  it's really sad i was happy with that person.  having zach helped that, i guess... as i learned to be comfortable with someone and god, i don't want to know where i'd be without him.  our relationship has become so much better in the past few months since i've been at school.  granted i don't see him as much, but it's helped me to realize not to take relationships for granted and really appreciate the time we spend together. 

and now i am getting ready to go to my 5th national in 6 years, realizing that has been the only constant this whole time.  i thank god for that, that solid, secure part of my life.  even through its ups and downs, it really has helped make me the person that i am today.  i realize i could never live without dogs and dog shows.  it's funny how i've gone through stages of sluttiness (or whatever you want to call it) and the insecurity i mentioned above and all the while remained completely happy at dog shows.  i always know who i am at dog shows, i am always the real me.  of course you could also see that as dog shows aren't real life, and i don't know where that puts me if you think of it that way.  nonetheless, i see dog shows and their importance in my life.  i also thank god that i have so many solid aspects to my life - my family and my relationship with zach, dog shows, and now my own personal security.

i told someone today that i am so happy, and i have no idea why.  never before have i had so much to do so often, or have i had this much responsibility and independence.  i worried so much that college would be such a difficult change for me, but all in all, i'm so thrilled with it all.  i finally see the direction in which my life may go, and i couldn't be more pleased.